Yours, for just long enough. For my son.

I am a single mother. I never wanted to emasculate my son. I respect the constructive power of men. I knew I could never be 'father', and feel honoured to have witnessed a man grow. This letter is in honour of the manhood he fully steps into as his 21st birthday approaches. 

For my son, 

Your gifts and talents are hidden in a cave that is guarded by a snake. To receive these priceless gems made uniquely for you, you must come to accept truth. The truth is that this life is designed to hurt you and near destroy you. You will make countless bad choices and end up hurting yourself, again and again. Don’t berate yourself too harshly. It is the way of being human. 

One day, you will decide that climbing the mountain to find your cave is better than enjoying the comforts of the beach. Be careful when you start to climb. Only the most courageous will be allowed to even begin the climb. In the beginning, you will lose your footing, just long enough for you to push harder. You will begin to doubt your strength, just long enough for you to find balance. 

Once you reach the point of no return, the climb becomes easier. You begin to trust your steps. Each step increases your belief, just long enough for you to become arrogant. When this happens, you will encounter strangely interesting obstacles you never considered. You will stumble. You may fall hard.  

Suddenly, you will start to consider retracing your steps. You will look down at the beach and regret leaving. You will even want to leap from the mountain and risk too much instead of continuing the climb.  

All these choices are yours to make, and yours alone. A decision you take on your mountain that is not totally your decision is like trying to climb with a large nail through your foot. 

You may look down at the beach, but only once. For the beach is a beautiful lie. The tides have lulled many into staying to enjoy the comforts and to increase their desires. This way is not for you.  

A moment will come when you will trust the climb, and so, you will continue. Until finally, with bleeding fingers and swollen toes, you will reach the cave and feel accomplishment, just long enough for you to sense the presence of the snake. 

You will wait at the mouth of the cave until a deep darkness falls, because fear, doubt and loneliness will overcome you. But you will enter, because your climb has taught you how to seduce the snake. Only, the climb didn’t feel like a lesson. It felt like a punishment, a torturous voyage you had to take all alone. This is how it sometimes feels to be a man. This is the way of the one who seeks his gifts. 

You will know what ego is. It was the loud, unbearable voice telling you to give up and abandon the climb. You will also know what it’s like to gracefully and lovingly, ignore this voice. So by the time you ready yourself to enter the cave, your ego will be asleep, tired of wrestling with the strength of your soul. 

Ego agitates the snake. Soul charms it into sleep. 

You will enjoy this knowing until the darkness lifts and you bravely walk into your cave. When you open your treasure chest, you will be who I already see and every difficult moment you now experience will be a beautiful glistening coin lying among exquisite jewels. You will be dazzled by all you are, just long enough to look up and see me. 

I will climb with you, though I won’t aid your ascent. I will witness you, though I won’t distract you from your journey. And I will love you, though you will not always understand my love.  

Yours, for just long enough,

Mom